Polls are Open: Manure Madness Finals

The popcorn bowl is empty. The blue recycle box in the garage is overflowing with crushed Pabst cans. You're bleary-eyed from watching all the action, and your charge card is maxed out by the 50" monitor you bought just for this moment.

That's right, sports fans, it's finally here: championship time, the climax of Manure Madness, where you'll bask in the warm glow of seeing the most bull-laden annual report of 2005 take its rightful place at the top of the heap.

It's time for the final round - and your chance to vote for which annual report is truly the worst of the worst. From Empty Calories to Commitophobia to uber-Cheesiness, this isn't going to pretty and neat. The truth will be stretched, bruised, battered and deep fried beyond anything you've witnessed before, and count on extra cheese.

Our two final contenders are (drumroll) Lockheed Martin and McKesson. Yes, it's hard to believe, but Lockheed and McKesson took out some of the tournament's strongest competitors. You can read about every contender's shareholder letter here, but let's look back at what got our two special finalists to this hallowed place in the Manure Madness tournament:

Lockheed Martin trounced its Final Four foe ADM as decisively as it trounced all those who came before. Remember, this is the team that put everyone on notice with its impressive, record-breaking display of clichés:

“In a successful company such as ours, every employee shares a vision of how best to serve our customers at their defining moments. We place a premium on people development and opportunity. Foremost, we are dedicated to assuring an environment of inclusion, because diversity adds strategic depth to our company and in doing so we all become stronger. In the coming year, we will continue to focus on talent development…”

This proved that Lockheed was capable of producing a sustained and consistent quotient of empty calories and corporate cheese – the kind that distinguishes the truly great (?) from the merely good (?). And if there was any doubt in anyone's mind, Lockheed came at its opponents with this:

“No company can address future opportunities successfully without a top-down dedication to ethical and sound business practices. Ethics is the foundation of our enterprise and is not negotiable. It is a responsibility that cannot be delegated and belongs to every employee. The world we live in will not accept anything less and neither should we.”

Over in the other bracket, McKesson was clawing its way past some of the toughest competitors this tournament has ever seen. Despite a tense nail-biter against Honeywell, and a hard-fought match-up against Altria, McKesson is here because of its impressive verbal diarrhea skills and evasive antics:

Supply chain integrity delivered by McKesson products and services ensures safe drugs and medical supplies for patients at the most efficient cost. A recent study by the Healthcare Distribution Management Association identified the important value provided by pharmaceutical wholesalers on behalf of both manufacturers and customers through superb delivery logistics, working capital savings and phenomenal operating efficiencies combined with innovative valueadding services. For example, McKesson is a leader in developing and promoting innovations that track the flow of pharmaceuticals and medical-surgical supplies from the manufacturer's loading dock to the patient's use.”

You gotta hand it to McKesson for their ability to say so little in so many words:

Clearly, McKesson is well-positioned for growth being driven by the many, intensifying forces for change in healthcare. As Fiscal 2005 began, we implemented a series of organizational refinements designed to better align and integrate our product development and selling efforts with the evolving needs of the marketplace. McKesson Provider Technologies combines McKesson Information Solutions, McKesson’s inpatient automation business and our Corporate Solutions Group, which quarterbacks complex sales, predominantly to large hospital and health networks.

So here we are, at the final match-up. The polls are open, and you'll be voting on Empty Calories, Commitophobia, Cheese Factory, and Inspired Insipidness. We'll post updates on the competition between now and April 4, and on that special day, will crown one company the tournament winner. So go forth, good people, and vote for your Shining Beacon of Business Idiocy!